They’re Right. I Don’t Understand.

That is one ugly Jeep
2015 Jeep Renegade

It’s a Jeep thing. You wouldn’t understand.

Being a fan of quality, function and beautiful design, I certainly cannot understand the latest Jeep thing, the new Jeep Renegade. In the race to see who can remove utility from sport utility vehicle, Jeep just jumped ahead of the competition.

The new Renegade is a heinous looking thing, looking part Kia, part Nissan, but total dork.

Another Mall Utility Vehicle, and designed for those with no concept of aesthetics in design, this thing will be a hit with……who the hell knows. Just idiots I guess.

Based on the Fiat 500, another stunning piece of crap from Italia, this fragile box just may put Jeep out of business. It’s reliability will be a wonderful combination of Jeep and Fiat, both world class bottom dwellers in the realm of quality. Expect record recalls and a short production span.

Rubicon drivers will swear and curse loudly every time they see one of these things pull up next to them. As if the Liberty wasn’t bad enough, seeing one of these may require them to immediately drive to the off-road shop for a new winch and tow rope in a vain attempt to assuage the shame.

Congratulations Jeep, your proficiency at producing crap is improving with every model release.

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Crappiest Cars of 2013

Now that 2013 has passed, it’s time to hand out the awards to the manufacturers of the ugliest cars found on the lots in 2013.

Let’s get right to it.

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1. Nissan Juke

Returning as the winner from last year, the Juke has somehow survived to live another day, which clearly shows the lack of taste in this country by a niche group that has purchased enough of these crapmobiles to keep it from being removed from NIssan’s lineup.

Good God folks. Do you have any idea how stupid you look in this thing?


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2.Mini Coupe

The original Mini is kinda cute, but Mini keeps looking for ways to get another dollar out of an ignorant car buying culture with winners like this. I’m willing to bet this one won’t make 24 months of production.


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3. Smart Car

I’ll skip the obvious name related jokes, but these cars are downright dangerous and when you look at the gas mileage (34 city, 38 hwy), you just have to wonder why anyone would buy these toy cars. For a little more, you could get a Prius, which is 4 times the car in every way.


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4. Toyota 4Runner

I almost cry every time I look at a 4Runner. These used to be the best looking, toughest SUVs that you could buy, but back in 2003, Toyota adopted a horrible design base that killed the 4Runner. They’re too big, too square, get piss poor mpg, and are 100% hideous. Note to Toyota: Adopt a new design paradigm!


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5. Nissan Versa

This car was designed in exactly 8 minutes.


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6. Nissan Cube

Nissan continues to dominate the ugly list with their lineup of cars for the insane. Juke, Cube, Versa; they’re all painful to look at and only a demented mind would find beauty in them.


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7. Cadillac CTS-V Wagon

Though Cadillac’s entire lineup is a smorgasbord of bad design, I have to give the award here to the wagon, because it clearly hits the top rung for their particular style of ugly.


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8. Honda Pilot

The newer incarnation of the Pilot, a previously handsome SUV, has to be one of the most bland designs that has ever come from Honda. It looks like a box with slightly rounded corners and no beauty whatsoever. People who buy these must be Honda fans to the end, because they certainly don’t care or have a sense of good design.


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9. Nissan Armada

It’s hard to not list almost every Nissan product on here, because there is an overwhelming culture of the absurd that has taken over the once venerable auto manufacturer. The Armada is as ugly as its name. It’s a behemoth of excess, and is aimed squarely at the insecure philistine who just has to buy a gigantic SUV to impress his neighbor.


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10.Nissan Mallfinder

It seems like just a little while ago, we were watching Nissan ads that showed a Pathfinder being driven across Central and South America, kicking ass like a Landcruiser of yore, but offering some modern comforts. Advance to 2013 and we now have a new ultra-feminine version.

Nissan should just be truthful and rename it the Mallfinder, because that’s about all that this low slung, AWD minivan can do well. Maybe the new ad could show some Ken and Barbie trendsuckers bravely driving through a light winter snow to get to the Apple store at the mall. When the shopping gets tough, the tough get going in their Mallfinder!

Fiat 500

Back in 2008, the drunk European auto press actually named the Fiat 500 the “European Car of the Year”. Well, Fiat got drunk too and somehow deluded themselves that this tiny tin can piece of Italian crap would sell in America.

Clearly, that idea didn’t sail. The 500 has been an unbelievable disaster for Fiat in the states and for good reason. It’s too small, and when you look at the gas mileage, you would assume that anything so tiny and dangerous to drive (very poor crash rating), should at least get 80 mpg. But no, the ugly little round box only gets 27-34 mpg, city and highway.

If your dumb enough to think this car is cute and are just dying to ask “Quanto costa questo?”, well the price tag is beyond laughable, running up over 23k! You could get a Prius for that kind of money, getting almost twice the mileage, a far more attractive and safe vehicle, all wrapped up in Toyota quality. With Fiat’s reputation for quality, the price should be more around the 7k mark, and even that would be a rip off.

If you’re more interested in cute and fun to drive, even the Ford Focus, which is very close in mpgs, provides twice the performance in a very attractive package.

Good luck, Fiat. You’re seriously going to need it with this piece of crap.

A dopo!