Crappiest Cars of 2013

Now that 2013 has passed, it’s time to hand out the awards to the manufacturers of the ugliest cars found on the lots in 2013.

Let’s get right to it.

1. Nissan Juke

Returning as the winner from last year, the Juke has somehow survived to live another day, which clearly shows the lack of taste in this country by a niche group that has purchased enough of these crapmobiles to keep it from being removed from NIssan’s lineup.

Good God folks. Do you have any idea how stupid you look in this thing?


2.Mini Coupe

The original Mini is kinda cute, but Mini keeps looking for ways to get another dollar out of an ignorant car buying culture with winners like this. I’m willing to bet this one won’t make 24 months of production.

3. Smart Car

I’ll skip the obvious name related jokes, but these cars are downright dangerous and when you look at the gas mileage (34 city, 38 hwy), you just have to wonder why anyone would buy these toy cars. For a little more, you could get a Prius, which is 4 times the car in every way.

4. Toyota 4Runner

I almost cry every time I look at a 4Runner. These used to be the best looking, toughest SUVs that you could buy, but back in 2003, Toyota adopted a horrible design base that killed the 4Runner. They’re too big, too square, get piss poor mpg, and are 100% hideous. Note to Toyota: Adopt a new design paradigm!

5. Nissan Versa

This car was designed in exactly 8 minutes.

6. Nissan Cube

Nissan continues to dominate the ugly list with their lineup of cars for the insane. Juke, Cube, Versa; they’re all painful to look at and only a demented mind would find beauty in them.

7. Cadillac CTS-V Wagon

Though Cadillac’s entire lineup is a smorgasbord of bad design, I have to give the award here to the wagon, because it clearly hits the top rung for their particular style of ugly.

8. Honda Pilot

The newer incarnation of the Pilot, a previously handsome SUV, has to be one of the most bland designs that has ever come from Honda. It looks like a box with slightly rounded corners and no beauty whatsoever. People who buy these must be Honda fans to the end, because they certainly don’t care or have a sense of good design.

9. Nissan Armada

It’s hard to not list almost every Nissan product on here, because there is an overwhelming culture of the absurd that has taken over the once venerable auto manufacturer. The Armada is as ugly as its name. It’s a behemoth of excess, and is aimed squarely at the insecure philistine who just has to buy a gigantic SUV to impress his neighbor.

10.Nissan Mallfinder

It seems like just a little while ago, we were watching Nissan ads that showed a Pathfinder being driven across Central and South America, kicking ass like a Landcruiser of yore, but offering some modern comforts. Advance to 2013 and we now have a new ultra-feminine version.

Nissan should just be truthful and rename it the Mallfinder, because that’s about all that this low slung, AWD minivan can do well. Maybe the new ad could show some Ken and Barbie trendsuckers bravely driving through a light winter snow to get to the Apple store at the mall. When the shopping gets tough, the tough get going in their Mallfinder!


Metro Coats for the Ski Slopes

You’ve probably noticed the latest fad in winter outerwear: the puffy coat. It was ugly in the 70’s, but in this newer version, they’ve managed to make it even more revolting.

There are varying degrees of puffiness, but I’ll just pick on the skinny puffy coat that is seen so frequently at ski areas and generally active sports gatherings. Consisting of horizontal narrow rows of insulation, ala the old down coats with wider bands, this latest version offers a tighter fitting model that removes any semblance of masculinity from the wearer. Combined with the garish colors that are so de riguer, I’m surprised that they’re selling outside of the metro area. But trend sucking knows no boundaries, and today’s hip dweebs will grab on to anything without the slightest thought of whether or not it actually looks decent.

The heinous crap that you see above goes for the ridiculous price of ~$250, but that’s a bargain for this myrmidon.

“And after noticing friends wear theirs to the bar, on the hill, in the grocery store, I had seen just how versatile this particular micro-puff was. It was still a chunk of
cash—the equivalent of 12 hours of work at my day job, or a busy night waiting tables at job number two. But I clicked “Add to Cart” and pulled out the plastic.”

Whatever it takes to follow the herd!